CURRENT TV: SECRET GOVT AGENCIES
The Rotten Tomatoes Show s1e22: Secret Govt Agencies
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VISUAL |
AUDIO |
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BRETT OC Brett is in a dark suit and tie – possibly sunglasses |
Greetings, John Q Public! Looking for work? Well, there are plenty of great jobs available in the United States Department of Secret Agencies. |
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Fake insignia fullscreen. Either make it look governmenty, or just have a circle with the words “LOGO CLASSIFIED” stamped over it. |
Never heard of us? Great! That’s the way we like it. |
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Hellboy II |
JEFFERY TAMBOR Officially, we do not exist. |
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G.I Joe |
GENERAL HAWK Technically, we don't exist. |
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Men In Black |
TOMMY LEE JONES Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere. Ever. |
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BRETT OC |
You know who will know you exist? Your accountant, after your generous 401k matures! And do you think the government’s all about red tape? We don’t even USE tape here! |
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Get Smart |
THE ROCK Maxy, you know assassinations are specifically prohibited by executive order 12333. [pause] Hahaha! |
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BRETT OC |
Go ahead, kill whoever you want!
And if you’ve always wanted to take someone out with a dart gun, this is your chance. |
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QUICK MONTAGE OF PEOPLE GETTING HIT WITH DART GUN: Incredible Hulk XXX Monsters Vs. Aliens X2 |
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BRETT OC |
Uncomfortable shooting children? No problem! Maybe you could work at Sector 7! |
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Transformers frozen Megatron |
All you have to do is roll in around 10, check to see if Megatron is still frozen, and then head over to the Hoover Dam gift shop to hit on tourists. |
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BRETT OC |
Did I say Hoover Dam? Damn right! That’s just one of the exciting locations our agents work, like… |
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Independence Day |
Area 51! |
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Team America: World Police |
The inside of Mount Rushmore! |
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Men In Black |
And the ventilation building of the Brooklyn-Battery tunnel! |
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BRETT OC |
There are plenty of other perks. For instance, no one likes wearing a suit to work… unless it’s a spacesuit! |
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E.T. |
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BRETT OC |
And you like gadgets? We’ve got more gadgets than a SkyMall catalogue! |
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QUICK GADGET MONTAGE: (pretty much all these movies have gadgets, but here are two others) The Tuxedo Eraser |
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BRETT OC |
I mean, where do you think Inspector Gadget came from? That was us! |
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Inspector Gadget |
GADGET Wowzers! |
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BRETT OC |
And you know the best part of working for a Secret Agency? Whether you’re dealing with Jumpers, Triple X Agents, or Marvel superheros, odds your boss will be Sam Jackson. |
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TRIPLE SPLIT SCREEN: Jumper XXX Iron Man |
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BRETT OC |
Now admittedly, our work can get a little dangerous. |
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Firstarter Little girl lights agents on fire |
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BRETT OC |
But even if you are horribly burned by Drew Barrymore, our secret government doctors can give you a whole new face! |
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Face/Off something from the surgery scene |
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BRETT OC |
And yes, we also provide dental coverage.
So, how do you get one of these exciting jobs? It’s easy. All you have to do is fill out an application, come in for an interview, and kill a guy in cold blood, just because we said so. |
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Bourne Ultimatum |
[Bourne shoots a hooded man]
CREEPY DOCTOR Welcome to the program. |
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BRETT OC |
So what are you waiting for? |
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Hellboy |
Whether you’re a demon… |
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Spy Kids |
… a cute little kid… |
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G-Force |
… or a guinea pig with the voice of Nicolas Cage… |
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BRETT OC |
… Uncle Sam secretly wants you! To get started, just say the word “Apply” right now. Trust me – we’re listening. |